How to Stay Married for Fifty Years

Perhaps the greatest accomplishment in my life has been staying married to the same girl for over fifty years (and counting). In other areas, I may be judged successful or not, depending on what the standard is and who’s doing the judging, but that which has given me the most personal satisfaction and joy, and which cannot be taken away, is my marriage to my own Rebecca.

A good marriage will make your life more happy and fulfilling than you ever thought life could be. There is nothing like it this side of glory; to have a soul-mate, lover, best friend, and partner all rolled into one person is the most satisfying and wonderful relationship that could possibly exist. It’s even a type of Christ and His church.

On the other hand, a bad marriage, one that goes sour and perhaps ends in divorce, will hurt you more than you ever thought you could be hurt. Your heart will plunge into depths of misery and despair that you never dreamed existed.Marriage is like a fire: it can keep you warm and comfort you, keep you alive and kicking under the most adverse of circumstances - - or it can burn you irreparably.

Our marriage is not perfect, for we are both human and like anyone else, subject to spells of weakness and rebellion. Nevertheless, we have managed to do a few things right, things that perhaps are worth sharing, and that may give you some insight or help in making your own marriage better. The real glory for keeping us married over fifty years goes to God - - the motive or the power simply would not have been available aside from a personal relationship with Him through Jesus Christ, bit for what it’s worth, here are a few things that have helped us over the bumps and holes in the road since we first pledged our lives to one another five decades ago.

Choose the Right Partner in the First Place

Make sure you are truly compatible before you say your “I do’s” and bind yourself to a contract that lasts “as long as you both shall live”, which is a vow that Christians still take seriously, in spite of the soaring divorce rates in our land.

Becky and I were immediately compatible. We found it easy to relax with each other, dispense with pretense and the games that members of the opposite sex sometimes play. We were best of friends, in addition to being romantically attracted to one another. There are a few reasons for this, that those who are considering marriage should consider.

We share a similar family background: both of our families were originally farmers from western Wisconsin. We come from similar social and economic backgrounds, we share the same ideas about marriage and family, We were both looking for the same thing in marriage, we had the same understanding of what a successful relationship entailed. We both wanted the same things from each other.

If you marry someone from a different background than your own, you’re going to have to work harder to make it work. People from different social strata, or different ethnic or racial backgrounds generally have different expectations of what constitutes a normal, happy relationship. Initially the differences may be exciting and romantic, but when you try to settle down to a routine, comfortable lifestyle together, you may find your work cut out for you. This is not to say you shouldn’t marry someone outside of your normal social circles- - we pastor a multi-cultural church and know of many cross-cultural marriages- - but it’s all the more important to know you’ve chosen the right person when you’re going into a relationship that will present more challenges than usual.

Choosing the right mate is the easiest way to a good marriage, Don’t choose on a flashy, fleshy, superficial basis. Hollywood glamour girls don’t make such good wives for the most part; good looking hunks may be as in love with themselves as they’ll ever be with you. You don’t want to marry someone you don’t find attractive, but if one of the prerequisites for your wife is that she be good-looking enough to grace a Playboy fold-out, then you’re not using your head.

Don’t set such high standards that no one will ever measure up to , and don’t be so anxious, so lonely, that you’ll marry the first person that comes along and expresses an interest in you. Again, use your head. This is a decision you will have to live with for a long time. Be careful as you make it.

A final note before moving on to the next point: be yourself and you will attract someone who likes you for who you are. Acting more sophisticated or more spiritual than you really are is not only deceptive, but heart-breaking in the end. When your lover learns who you really are, they might not care for you anymore!

Make Honest Communication a Priority

My wife and I have always communicated freely and openly. As any marriage counselor will tell you, communication is the key to a good relationship. To us it is natural. Both of us are fairly intelligent and articulate, and we like to share our hearts with one another.

A guarded communication style, on the other hand, can hurt all of your relationships. People don’t know how you really feel, because you haven’t actually told them. And don;t count on someone, not even someone as close as a spouse to read your signals properly. If you find yourself saying things along the lines of, “if you don’t know what’s wrong then I don’t need to tell you!” It’s a sure sign that your idea of communication is way off. People can’t know what is wrong unless you tell them. your mate cannot read your mind, and it’s unfair of you to put that expectation on them.

There are two basic types of communicators. The open and direct kind and the subtle hinter. Open, direct people have better relationships- - it’s as simple as that. They endeavor to say what they mean and mean what they say. They make friends easily and solve problems with minimum difficulty because, due to their style of communication, there is less chance of misunderstanding. They are not afraid to relate to others openly and honestly.

The more guarded, subtle kind of communicator is forever dropping hints (most of which fly over the heads of others), as well as reading into the statements of others that were not actually intended. This makes for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Practice saying what you feel- - not rudely, but honestly…”I’m not really happy about you going out with the boys again. I mean I trust you, but it makes me feel like you are not finding satisfaction in me”. It works a lot better than the silent treatment, and it is more effective than a whole new series of manipulations and plots. If you are married to a hinter, spell things out, make sure you’re communicating properly.

Set aside time to communicate with each other and keep the lines open. have a date night each week - - alone. Go to bed early enough to talk over the day’s events- - fellowship with each other instead of watching a late night talk host. You’ll notice the difference right away in your marriage.

Shared Experiences Mean a Shared Life

Becky and I were dope-smoking hippies together, then we got saved on the same day, baptised the same day, went to Bible school together… get the picture? We’ve been on the same page all of our adult lives, especially since coming to Jesus. Nothing can cause more friction in a Christian marriage than different ideas about spiritual things. Denominational differences can cause trouble among nominally religious couples, but for those whose lives are centered around Christ, they become even more crucial.

Whether you’ve grown together or not in the Lord, you may start to do things together now, Marriage is a together kind of position- - start experiencing things together! Keep doing new things, having new adventures and experiences. Don’t make your spouse feel as though they have to compete with your friends or your past, but instead, create a new future together. “A man shall leave his father and mother”(the past) “ and cleave to”, (cling to) “his wife.” That’s the Biblical  formula, and it works.

Practice Affirmative, Supportive Speech

Just as positive speech can strengthen your relationship with God, so it strengthens your relationship with other people. It is hard to feel positively about someone who is continually criticizing you, correcting you, nagging you, or even putting you down. I tend to be rather critical by nature, or by training, perhaps, but at some point early in our relationship I decided not to criticize my wife. I always call her beautiful, praise her cooking, and focus on her good points. She was actually raised in just the opposite kind of climate. More often than not, her dad, a frustrated alcoholic, called her “dummy”, and she didn’t need that kind of garbage talk from me. Now, after fifty years, she almost believes me when I tell her how wonderful she is!

Don’t marry a person to change them. This isn’t a project like rehabbing an old house, or rebuilding a car or a motorcycle. Some people seem to act like “I couldn’t get who I wanted so I’ll make them into who I want.”

Receive your spouse unconditionally once you’ve decided to share your life with him or her. Don’t have a trouble-shooter mentality - - always looking to fix imperfections. Concentrate on the positive aspects, verbalize them, let your spouse know how good you feel about them. Relax a little and watch love start to work wonders on the problem areas that really do need to be addressed.

Absolute Commitment

Becky and I have a covenant together- - divorce is not a part of our vocabulary. No matter how serious the disagreement, no matter how angry we got, we have managed to exercise enough restraint to never bring up the dreaded D-word- - it is simply not an option. Early in our marriage the Lord spoke to us through Ephesians 4:26, “do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” In other words you will get into fights, anger will occur in any meaningful relationship where people are really coming to grips with each other- - but solve your differences before going your ways. Solve today’s problems today; don’t go to sleep without resolving conflicts. And never leave open the option of terminating the relationship.

Ours is a culture of divorce. People change jobs, communities, and friends with very little provocation or soul searching. Most churches experience nearly a 100% turnover in ten years’ time. Divorce rates are soaring , and many have gone through three, four, or even more, spouses. Yet in spite of the statistics and the cultural pressure around us, we can, with God’s help, stay married, committed to mutual love, for a lifetime.

The repercussions of divorce are too painful to consider- - it is simply not an option for the serious Christian. Your home should be a haven of security in an unstable world.

We Practice Decision- Sharing

The Bible says, “wives submit unto your own husbands as unto the Lord.” I have never had to ‘pull ranks” with my wife. We make our decisions together. If we don’t see eye-to-eye on something, we talk it over until we come to an agreement. It’s not worth having your way if you have to force it on someone you love. It’s not about rights and legal authority, it’s about relationships. I want my wife to support my decisions, from the heart, not simply go along with them because I have authority over her.

I knew a man who married a rather simple minded girl, and as a result, he did most of the decision- making for the family- - grocery shopping, everything- he simply didn’t trust her to make wise decisions. And he lost her.

You need to seek each other’s input, make every decision jointly. If God is speaking to you, He can touch your spouse’s heart too. There were a few things I knew my wife wouldn’t immediately go for (buying a motorcycle, becoming missionaries to India…), but God spoke to her before I even brought it up for serious discussion. Make decisions together and both of you will support them.

Respect and Honor Each Other, be Unquestionably Loyal

Loyal and mutual respect will give any marriage the undergirding it needs to be successful. Curb your wandering eyes and thoughts, direct all of your romantic attention to your spouse alone. Do not make jokes at each other’s expense, so not talk to your girlfriends about what a bum your husband is. Drop those disrespectful terms like “ my old lady” or “my old man”. Make a point to speak well of each other at all times, and you’ll be speaking well of yourself, and your marriage too. If there are problems, why broadcast them to others? Go home and deal with them.

Make this thing work, folks- - you’re in it for the rest of your lives.

Written by Kim Harrington

Edited and uploaded by Svetlana Van Zee